Broken Yet Grateful

An annoucement

2010-06-28T23:38:00.002-05:00

Well, It's been a while since I updated you faithful readers. Let's just say it's been a busy month and a half. The end of school is always crazy but both Justin and I went on separate trips the last week of the kids' school. He to Mississippi and I went to Italy with my dad and Kareena. We both had a good time on our respective trips. It was when we got back that the real fun began.

I had suspected while I was gone that I might be pregnant so when I got home I took a test I happened to have. (Doesn't everyone have an extra one lying around?) So, surprise! It was positive. Before we told anyone I took a second one in the Target bathroom - which my girls thought was CRAZY. Again, positive. So we are adding a 5th Irving to our already full house. I am not announcing it on Facebook quite yet so feel free to send me a message. The kids are all really excited and Justin and I are getting used to the idea.

Struggle, Struggle, Struggle

2010-05-11T22:20:00.002-05:00

So I planned on one meal for Mother's Day weekend which turned into quite a few "off-plan" foods. AHHHHH! I just posted a comment of a fellow dieters blog in essence saying that I struggle so much with my emotions and that if I just had fewer of them I may not struggle quite so much.

So, what is the answer? I think it's this: forget yesterday and begin again afresh tomorrow.

I will take my pills when I am supposed to. I will drink all my water - all 80 oz. of it. I will not eat anything impulsively but I will tell myself the correct things ie I don't need that bowl of cereal right now, or I can wait until I get home to eat something that is on my plan.

This weekend poses another challenge. We are going to a camp up north as a church for a retreat. Ah, I am so weak. Lord, help me.

Month One

2010-05-07T14:21:00.001-05:00

Well, I feel like I just ran a long race then realized that I just turned the corner to see blocks and blocks spread out in front of me. Now, I did run the race, that is good, but the race is still on!!

I've lost 13 pounds and 18 inches total for the month. Again, this is really good but I feel like there is still so far to go!!

I am going to enjoy at least one "real" meal - with dessert this weekend in honor of Mother's Day. My thinking is really changing, though! I threw something away because I really didn't like it, when in the past I would have just eaten it anyway.

9 and 1/4 lb and a major slip up

2010-04-27T16:48:00.002-05:00

So I almost jumped in the air today when I saw the scale! I was on cloud nine all day then I went to Starbucks to get the boys (my son and his friend) a cookie and I had a VERY weak moment and had one of their morning buns. I have to admit that it tasted great going down. But then I took a drink and the taste was gone. Then the guilt set in.

So much of this diet has been saying no, sometimes NO!, to many of the bad habits I've been cultivating for years. I've cheated in the past 3 and 1/2 weeks but not to this extent. I love that tomorrow is a new day and that there is grace for not being perfect.

My pants are loose!

2010-04-26T09:33:00.002-05:00

It is so satisfying to wear clothes that I haven't been able to for a while.

6 lbs!!!!!

2010-04-22T23:09:00.002-05:00

For some people this might not be a lot but the tears and struggles seem worth it when I see the results on the scale. Last weekend was not so great but since Monday I've been almost perfect. The victories have felt sooo satisfying. I dished up ice cream for Caleb and didn't have any. I ordered a skinny latte and didn't buy something for me at Starbucks. I've said no to stopping at DQ numerous times. The advice that has made the most sense is to take it one day at a time. Again, not rocket science but it has helped me.

temptation

2010-04-15T14:18:00.001-05:00

I now have a week under my belt (which is shrinking a bit - yeah) and I think the diet is working but it won't be easy. Getting used to taking all the pills has been a challenge but I think they have given me a lot of energy. Unfortunately my stomach has been upset for a day or so now. Hopefully that will improve.

The Honeymoon's over

2010-04-13T15:44:00.002-05:00

I knew it would happen eventually. I am officially struggling. Don't get me wrong I am loving the vegetables and the taste of food more than ever but we are going on a date tonight and all I want is to have a big plate of pasta with something chocolate (real chocolate mind you) for dessert. I have lost a few pounds so I know something is working. Ah well, back to my fake chocolate pudding.

So far so good

2010-04-11T15:07:00.001-05:00

- Which is saying a lot for me! I am now on day 2 and I am doing fantastically! I made sauteed mushrooms and spinach with steak for a late lunch and ohhh brother was it good. The sad part of today was realizing all the places I go in order to eat. I sometimes schedule trips to certain places because of what food I am craving. For example: I will take the kids to Ikea because I want a cinnamon roll or go a certain direction to school so I can stop to get a maple pecan scone at a coffee shop. Sad, food-obsessed girl! But, I am taking a stand and saying NO MORE!!

Adoption Part 3

2010-04-10T20:12:00.002-05:00

So I really should have written this sooner because I am forgetting more each day! The next part of the story is the best part!! I got a call when I was lost in Memphis trying to find the highway to Tupelo. On one hand the news that Kareena was born was great but I remember felling really disappointed that I had missed it.

I did drive the rest of the way a bit less anxious though. When I arrived at the hospital sometime close to midnight I was in a daze of adrenaline, junk food and pure nervousness. I had no idea what to expect when I walked in the hospital room. Kareena's birthmom was such a pleasant person to be with! I had heard that from folks but meeting her just confirmed it. We chatted a bit and I was pretty indisicive about whether I wanted to stay until 3 am to see Kareena or to get a little sleep and see her in the morning. I ended up staying until 4 but holding her was amazing. Again, I was completely out of my mind from lack of sleep etc. but I am glad I stayed. Leaving the hospital my brain was in such a fog. There was a train that I had to stop for and I almost fell asleep in the car! I finally headed back to the hotel for a few hours but was totally unable to sleep.

The next day I went back to the hotel to spend some time with Kareena and her birthmom. We had the typical busy first day of a baby's life. She was in and out. We both took turns feeding her. Again, I was amazed at her bm's demeanor. We had such a good time together! We found out we enjoyed the same types of food, the same tv show and movies. All three of my bio kids were pretty good sized kids at birth so to hold a little 5 pounder was fun. When Justin and the kids finally arrived I took a huge sigh of relief. Spending that first day alone had been great but I felt more and more like part of me was missing. The kids LOVED seeing Kareena and meeting everyone. K's bm really enjoyed the kids, too!

The day we got to take Kareena with us was sort of awkward. On one hand I felt like she was mine already but there was still this pervading feeling of unease and nervousness that her bm could change her mind at any time. I think the strangest feeling of that day was watching her bm say goodbye to her. There was a mixture of jealous protectiveness and saddness but also joy for us. Walking out of the hospital with her felt strange, too. We spent the next few days getting to know Kareena, finding out she cried a bit more than we were used to and making plans for the coming days. Part 4 coming soon.

Day one of official Diet

2010-04-10T20:08:00.001-05:00

I know that I won't do this every day but I actually have some thoughts! I know that every day will not be as easy but boy am I surprised at how well this is going. Again, I am under no illusions about what it will be like in a week or a month. I think the biggest challenge so far was remembering to take my supplements. Food tasted good today, too! Another surprise if how much energy I have. Normally the mid-afternoon slump is so hard to get past but boy today I was feeling fine.

A New Day

2010-04-08T16:57:00.002-05:00

I can't guarantee that what I write will sound correct or that the spelling and grammar make sense. Having said that I do want to chronicle this journey at least for me and if it entertains or encourages other's - all the better.

So I have been fluffy, chunky, and/or extra soft, ever since I can remember. The main problem is I LOVE FOOD! I like good food, too. None of this fat-free sour cream for me, I want the real deal. I've finally had it with clothes not fitting and just generally feeling gross.

There are some folks who I know also doing the same diet with huge results so that finally pushed me over the edge to DO SOMETHING. I joined SlimGenics two days ago. Currently I am on day two of the prep-phase. I start the official diet on Saturday. I am a mix of excited and nervous for the cravings I know will be there. I am learning how to tell myself true things like: I want to be thin more than I want that _____. There is a huge element at play here: Self-control. Something I do not have naturally. I never learned how to say no or to hear no very well. That poses a problem.

I am excited to
-run with out jiggling
-wear clothes with the size in the single digits
-learn how to say no

That's all for now.

Adoption part 2

2009-11-30T22:26:00.007-06:00

Ok, so here goes. When I started writing this the details were much more in focus but now they are getting hazy so I hope to do this well.

I left off when we got the call. It was a Tuesday and I was taking kids home from midday school when Justin called me to ask if I had heard from Karine our social worker. My heart began to pound, no, I said, what did she say? Well, it appears that we have been chosen by a birthmom in Mississippi. Wow! We didn't even know that we were being shown! So, I raced home to chat with Justin. Needless to say I was thinking Yes! Yes! Yes!. Was there even a question?? At this point we knew that the baby was a girl and she was due in three and a half weeks. Seriously? Less than a month!? Yep.

We called our social worker back to say that we'd like the afternoon to think about it. I knew though that it would be difficult to say no. I wanted to call her back immediately. But we needed to talk about the logistics of travel and what it all would mean for our family.

I should point out that this situation what what I had longed for for many years. An infant - my favorite age; a girl - I had two already, I can do that! So, we said yes and then waited to hear from the social worker in Mississippi for more information. We still have the envelope that I took notes on about Kareena's birthmom and all the details we would need to have.

At this point we had told the kids. Abby said that she was screaming inside that she was so happy. Caleb's only comment was that he wanted a boy. Hannah smiled a lot. I wondered how many people to we tell at this point? Will it really happen? When do I start shopping? Justin and I went into our respective corners to plan. He to figure out how we would pay for her and me to figure out what stuff we would need.

Then the real waiting began. For real, I thought the 3+ years were hard! Those three weeks when we knew there was a little girl out there and a birthmom trying to make the right decision for herself and the baby were excruciating!! I think God was sitting back enjoying Himself as He watched us vacilate between giddyness and anxiety. With each update on her birthmom's condition our excitement began to build. But I also began to fret more and more about all the unknowns. In the end I heard the Lord say that this was the path He had for us and that I was to keep walking forward whether it worked out or not.

Our plans began being formulated but everything was so tentative. I remember that we got the call that she had her check up and was being admitted due to high blood pressure. That could mean that she would be in labor that day or not. We waited (an ever present theme) to get the final word about labor before we bought a ticket for me to fly down. This call came around 12 noon or so.

To understand the timeline a bit, we had been waiting to meet with a local organization who may or may not have given us a grant. Their only stipulation was that they meet us in person before they will consider anything. Our appointment was for Wednesday - the next day. We called when we heard that she was in labor and prayed hard that we could see someone in their orgaization before we left. She said yes, in between sporting activities for her own kids. We packed (I had already packed for the kids) the van and went to pick the kids up from school and meet with this lady on our way to the airport to drop me off.

Amazingly it all worked out. I made my flight. We met with the lady who later told us we had more than we thought we would get. Justin was planning on stopping at the bank on his way out of town but it closed minutes before he got there. This meant that he had to stay in Cedar Rapids and go to the bank the next day. At the time we were both disappointed that he would be arriving with the kids the next night instead of in the morning but it also meant that I had the whole day with Kareena and her birthmom and didn't have to divide my time between them and Justin and the kids.

to be continued...

adoption part 1

2009-10-26T23:04:00.003-05:00

Well, it's been a while but I thought that I'd write a little about the adoption and some of my thoughts in the short and yet long month we have had our sweety girl. Kind of a cheesy name but it has stuck with me.

If you read this blog then you know that we have been in the process of adoption for almost 4 years now. January of '06 we started our paperwork for a Peruvian adoption. Part of the process was to get a local agency to do a homestudy. I'll talk more about this later. So, we knew that the process would take a while. That is why we started before Caleb turned two! We had no idea that we would go 18 months to be approved. Just for them to move our dossier from one pile to another! Then it has been about that long since we were approved until now. Again, we knew it would be a while!! I think the most unexpected think in waiting for Peru was that we would hear next to nothing from our agency, and Peru itself on our behalf.

So this summer I began to wonder if it would ever happen and then even question whether we really wanted it now that the kids were older. We were pretty mixed as we would talk about it. I was shocked at how normal it was to think about our family being just the 5 of us. Then this fall came and Caleb went to Kindergarten I really began questioning so it seemed natural to clean out most of the kids clothes and gear when our church had a garage sale. Literally the week after the sale we got the call for Kareena.

Because I like a good cliffhanger I am going to write part 2 tomorrow. Stay tuned.

2009-04-22T11:54:00.002-05:00

It's ironic how I sit here in a hole - literally - with stuff piled around me, clothes, books, toys, mugs etc, and I am here on the computer! I find I can always find time to be on the computer but not to pick up toys and clothes. I think I want the kids to do it but then when they get home I hate to interrupt their playing b/c they don't get much time to do that. Then when I do ask they throw a fit so I ask less and less. I fear they've figured me out and now use it against me.

What are some of your ideas for "helping" kids to help around the house?

Hello again!

2009-04-20T09:23:00.002-05:00

Hey friends! I am a bit under the gun here but thought I'd do a quick update...

The kids are healthy and spring has finally arrived here in Minnesota. We are anxiously awaiting summer when we get to play and travel. We have a number of trips planned to really fun places! Whoo hoo!! We still have not heard anything new on the adoption front and will likely switch to a domestic adoption after June.

More to come!

Hello Again

2009-02-21T23:18:00.002-06:00

Well, I've had lots of thoughts to write about but now I forget...ahh the life of a random abstract. The kids have been sick a bit lately. Just when I thought we were in the clear. Caleb had a triple whammy; strep throat, ear infection, and a chest cold. Abby puked today and thankfully is on the mend. I am glad that we are past the days of all of us on the floor puking together. I remember putting towels on the floor and praying for morning. Let's hope we're done for this season!

Deep Thoughts with Tasha

2009-01-26T20:35:00.002-06:00

I'm calling back some old SNL memories with that title but what I have to say here is sort of serious. Sort of. I have been thinking a lot about money lately. Having it, not having it, loving it, needing it, wanting it etc. A close friend pointed out recently that I may have a bit of an obsession...well, it got me to thinking. Do I love money? I have to say that it makes life easier at times.

The reason that this issue has come up for me is complicated..."your mother's a complicated woman..." sorry, I digress...anyway, in my home growing up I didn't hear the word no too often when it came to wanting things. If we could prove to mom that we "needed" it, then in time it usually was ours. This gave me an interesting understanding of money and need. Lest you think I blame my mother for my problems...let me explain my current issue. I have a hard time keeping money...ok I said it!! Whew, does that feel better! These things added create for a financially frustrated momma. So, last fall when I was working a bit I had a nice paycheck to work with. I usually had about $5 left over when the next paycheck rolled around - let's just say it is a good thing that my wonderful hubby works!! So, fast forward to today, where I am not working as much (for pay) so frustration, and struggle set in.

In come the love, need, want issues. I have no clear conclusions on the matter, only good questions that make me think and examine my motives and heart. Now I can see why God included so many verses on money in the Bible! It's dangerous!

Merry Merry Christmas!

2008-12-23T23:08:00.002-06:00

To all my fabulous friends...Merry Christmas! Enjoy your family and friends! Rejoice in our Saviour!

Good things

2008-12-18T22:09:00.002-06:00

I find that I am enjoying Christmas this year. I am excited about what we got - or are getting for the kids: an American Girl Doll for Abby, a digital camera for Hannah and cool drum sticks for Caleb that play where ever he wants. Shhh, don't tell them! Also, I am excited to bake with the kids and play outside. We are finally in a place where we all can go out and be active together.

We are planning on a few trips up to the Shabin, too. I am excited to get there for everything except using the outhouse when it is below zero. The shabin gets really warm inside so we are going to have to get really creative about indoor activities...any ideas? I finally bought a few decorations to hang and even found some fabric to hang as curtains. It is really looking cute!

Change

2008-11-30T21:04:00.003-06:00

Well the winds of change are blowing by. I have had quite a time attempting to teach my son's class this fall. Let's just say that he just has not cooperated. So, I am not going to teach his class. At this point I will continue teaching in the other class until they find someone else.

I am relieved and sad at the same time. This is the perfect job!! I just don't think it is perfect timing for me to be working and trying to teach him. He has been so much work!! Ok, whew I am glad I got that off my chest! I love the little guy soooo much but boy he is difficult!

This picture is my girl on the Nova Classical website!! Check it out! Novaclassical.org

drowning

2008-11-08T10:44:00.003-06:00

Ok, some days I feel on top of things and that everything will work out fine. Then there are days like today when I feel like I am barely treading water. I have been frantically researching for a paper due on Monday night. Unfortunately I cannot find the right papers to finish the project. They are supposed to be peer reviewed, qualitative or quantitative, research papers on the topic of classical education. I don't think they exist. So, I would contact the professor but I don't think she uses email. So, I'll just sit here listening to Bob the builder for the 2nd time and keep procrastinating.

On another note, I cleaned up the messiest mess ever (except for the great Syndey event) yesterday. Not to gross you out, but here is the story...Caleb was on the top step of his loft bed and puked down on top of the dirty clothes...which splashed (yes splashed) on the dresser, on the wall, on his bed and all over the ladder and himself. Gross.

One down

2008-10-20T22:57:00.000-05:00

Tonight was the last night of the first class in this second half of my master's degree! It ended up being a really good class. The class was actually a special education class but there were so many things that are applicable to the preschool class I am teaching. In fact I am pretty tired so I won't write much more now. Adios!

Finding the groove

2008-10-15T22:57:00.003-05:00

Well, It's been a month and a half of this crazy year and everything is ok. I have one more class for this round and then on to the next!

The kids all have a bit of a cold, but tomorrow I told them we are going to rest and relax so hopefully they'll feel better. I have really been enjoying them lately. I am finding stores of patience I didn't know I had! Yeah God!

Justin and I just got back from a little trip to Banff, Alberta. This is the place where we Honeymooned 10 years ago!! Justin had a conference so I went along to get some R&R and spend a little time alone with my hubby! It was a really nice time there. The weather was wonderful, a bit crisp but perfect for me! There were a few flurries on one day but for the most part the mountains were amazing to say the least! I am including a few pics! Enjoy!

Feeling Better

2008-09-25T21:35:00.002-05:00

Things are not quite as chaotic as they were a few weeks ago. The kids are getting used to the schedule: get up, brush teeth (hopefully), get dressed, eat, run to school, school, home, homework, eat, short movie, bed and do it all over again. I know now we all look forward to summer so much. The schedule gets a little monotonous.

I have enjoyed a particularly easy week at preschool. We went to the apple orchard twice this week. Once with each class. I love getting to know the kids and seeing each of their personalities develop. What a privilege!

On the adoption front, we finally got our I600-A which basically allows us to bring a kiddo back from Peru when ever that happens. This is our second one. The good news is that it is good through this time next year. We are talking, though about changing somehow. Just getting a little weary of waiting. We'll see though, this would not be a good year to take two months off to go to Peru and then have a little one. I guess the hardest part is having this wide open thing hanging over us all the time.

Happy Friday!

Chillin with the kids

2008-09-11T22:05:00.002-05:00

Off to the races! The girls are on week two of school and Caleb finished his first week. I had one class and had my first day of teaching today. Whew! I am looking forward to a little more routine. Now we are all a bit tired from figuring it all out. Tomorrow the girls and I are having girls only night. I am excited to have a little break from the little man.

The kids this year at the preschool are going to be so fun. I know there will be challenges but I am really looking forward to hanging out, teaching them, talking to them, and just playing. I have not put together so many puzzles as I have last week. I am actually enjoying it!!

gettin' ready

2008-08-26T21:37:00.002-05:00

Well, it's fall again...I remember a line from the movie You've Got Mail where Meg Ryan says that that she is thinking about bouquets of freshly sharpened pencils. That is on my mind, too. The girls start next week and Caleb and I start the week after.

I am looking foward to the classes I'll teach and the one's I'll take. It will be a busy year so I don't know how much I'll be here. I'll try to at least check in so you know I'm alive.

Have a Happy Fall!

Our "Shabin"

2008-08-19T20:49:00.004-05:00

I debated blogging about this but in the end I think it will be fun to share our adventures. We bought a cabin up north. It is rather small so I call it a shabin - part cabin, part shack. I think the man who built it took the design for a storage shed and just added insulation to the inside and called it good. So, it's not much to look at but it works for us. The part I really like is that it has power so I cooked on the stove and stored our water in the refriderator. We made a fire and burned our paper trash, walked in the woods and were eaten alive by the mosquitoes. Our dog, Sydney loved her time there to wander and be outside as much as she wanted.

Something I forgot!

2008-08-16T20:42:00.003-05:00

I don't think I mentioned a week or so ago that our oldest Abby, turned 8 this year. I feel like I blinked and she is huge! I am always saying to her that she is so big. I hope she doesn't get a complex! I just mean in comparison to what she used to be!! I can still remember when she was in my arms, looking up at me with those huge brown eyes! Those eyes are still huge and now she is almost as tall as me!!

She is an amazing little girl. There was a time when she pined for a certain girl's friendship. This girl wasn't interested in Abby anymore and it was so hard to watch! I prayed that she would learn how that felt and befriend other's in the same position. She has!! I am so proud of the kind, compassionate little girl she is! We do have our moments, make no mistake! We are working on her showing that kindness to her brother and sister at home.

Just some thoughts on my little girl!

I think I am crazy

2008-08-13T22:59:00.002-05:00

A few weeks ago I made a phone call that has altered the direction of my upcoming year. I called Caleb's preschool teacher to ask about being a teacher's aide while he is in school, you know, to make a little extra money. Well, she said that the teacher position was open and was I interested. I said yes, I guess I am. Well, I am now one of two new teachers at the preschool. We are both scrambling to plan lessons and think through our ideas. Caleb is excited and so am I.

On Caleb's first day (I teach the end of the first week of school), I also start the 2nd half of my master's degree program. I'll be knee-deep in preschool prep while I am thinking about a thesis statement!! My brain is tired right now, trying to get my mind around all the prep there is to do. I feel like if I can keep a day-to-day mentality, it will be a good year. A lot, but good.

A big week!

2008-07-29T21:25:00.002-05:00

Some fun in Colorado. We say goodbye to the cast this week!

I am reminded why I love winter when it gets this hot. It is almost unbearable to be outside this week and the kids have been in our non-airconditioned church all week. I had just dropped off the kids and was chatting with a Chinese friend who said that "this" is nothing! She said that she sent 8 years in a place that for 5 months a year it was 100 degrees with enormous humidity and only a small box fan. I immediately thought about perspective, how it changes everything. It is still hot but I remember there are places with no nice aircondionded grocery stores.

We are in the season of Vacation Bible Schools. We have two this week, one next and then one the next. There is one at our church and then the others are at other churches. I always feel a little like a mooch going to all these other one's. Then I am reminded that our kids need Bible teaching , too.

The title of the post speaks to this week being big so here's the reason...Hannah gets her cast off in two days and Abby turns 8 a week from tomorrow. I am really glad that Hannah will have her cast off because Abby wants to go to the beach for her party. If you think about us, though, Thursday morning will be a bit intense for her. She did not do well with the last appointment and they didn't use a saw that time.

A Great Book

2008-07-18T21:54:00.004-05:00

I had the chance to read one of those perspective-changing books recently. It's called The Shack and while it has gotten mixed reviews I'd reccommend it! It is sort of a Pilgrims Progress for a modern age. A fictional story that has deep meaning in how we relate to God and how He relates to us. I won't give away the key events of the book but It really healed some hurt places in my heart as well as opened my view of God in (I think) a biblical way. If any of you read it let me know!

The battle continues here at home to unpack, straighten, put away all the "stuff" we have. Way too much, I say, but it is hard finding time to complete the task of sorting, putting the unwanted items in some thing, hauling it downstairs and all the way to the car. Sounds easy but for me it is soooo hard!!

Where I left off

2008-07-03T21:51:00.002-05:00

I think I blogged while in the Rockies so I thought I'd update all you avid readers (all two of you!) what else happened. While staying in Estes we got to see some good friends who we had gone to church with here at home. I was so spoiled by the really tasty home cooked meal and the salad was amazing. I think it had been a week without any real vegetables - isn't that terrible?! Anyway, after catching up and eating, she showered me with food to take with me. Thanks ML!

We hiked one day, then the rest of the gang went whitewater rafting while I stayed back with the gimp (Hannah - broken arm) and the youngin' (Caleb - too young to go) another day. I wanted to enjoy the day but it did get a little long...but I made a fire all by myself! I'll back up a bit...Hannah's day started out rotten. She woke up early with a bad headache and then puked. Thankfully they both went back to sleep until 8:30 or so. The last day there we took a drive up the mountain to about 14,000 (give or take a few) to watch the elk and take in the view. Another event happened when we all got out at a touristy spot. Caleb tripped over Aunt DeDe's foot and fell. When he went to cry out he couldn't catch his breath so he just went limp in my arms. I paniced and started asking for help. It was really quick by the time we laid him down and he started breathing deeply again but I'll never forget the look on his face. I absolutely hate that feeling! Watching someone you love more than yourself struggle to breathe! I have felt it before.
He was pretty exhausted the rest of the day but our time in Colorado was uneventful after that.

We headed east toward Kansas. It felt so good to just go in that direction because it meant we were headed toward home. We stopped at some friends of Justin's who have become friends of mine, too. They have four kids and a great house and yard. The kids LOVED playing there. We enjoyed some home cooked food and good conversation.

My one complaint on the trip was the toilet issue. We stayed at least a block away from most of the toilets where ever we went. I am trying to drink more water these days but that is difficult if I need to walk so far. In Estes Park the block was up a steep hill so I was literally panting when I got back each time. So, moral of this pathetic tale: look into portable toilet options.

We finally made it home to two happy pets. The kids were so excited to see the dog and cat again. At one point in the trip Caleb said "I don't know what Toby looks like!"

Now I get the happy job of sorting all the clothes and doing the laundry that didn't get done before we left. I do love these trips we take but boy is it nice getting home again.

Finally home

2008-07-02T08:59:00.002-05:00

We arrived home on Monday night and we giggled when we got into our bed that night. It is fun to connect with friends again and just be in our own place mess and all. Our washing machine broke right before we left and so hopefully today the repairman will be here and we can start digging out from the pile of dirty laundry. More vaca stories to come.

Vacation Adventures!!

2008-06-23T22:59:00.002-05:00

Well, I am sitting in the camper listening to the rain while in the Rocky Mountains. We have been gone for a little over a week and already have lots of stories to tell. We loved our time in the Black Hills of South Dakotah. We have been there before but this time we stayed in a campground near Hill City and really enjoyed the area around there. It is basically south of Rapid City SD. The only bad thing was that we had storms three nights in a row. Bad Ones, too. It hailed twice!! The camper keeps amazing us at its durability. We lay in bed listening to the wind, rain, lightening and thunder and wonder when it will just fall on our heads and yet we wake up and all is well.

Next we drove through Wyoming and stayed at a hotel one night. YEAH! I was so glad to get in out of the rain and actually have a bathroom within a few feet of the bed for one night. Wyoming is beautiful in its own way. There is so much space and you can see for miles and miles that we could see the storms we missed and the one we didn't. Then on to Denver and car trouble.

Correction: tire trouble. We were set to arrive in Colorado Springs early when we almost had a blowout on the camper. Justin was able to change the stripped tire in the blazing heat of a Denver highway. That tire trouble cost us 3 hours so we arrived when we originally planned. You may not know that the reason we went to Co. Springs was for the wedding of Justin's mom to a man from San Diego. His daughter lives in C.S. so the wedding was there - halfway for all of us. Well, we met our new cousins, and in-laws and really enjoyed ourselves for a few hours. The fun stopped (at least for a few of us) when Hannah fell on the trampoline and broke her arm. Thankfully the hospital was close but it was a slow night in the Pediatric unit so we had to wait for a nurse to arrive before we got a room. Then we had to determine when the best time for surgery was. Because she had eaten right before the accident she couldn't have surgery until at least 7 hours later. That was 3 am...so we decided to just wait until 6 so we could sleep a little. We finally got into the room at 1:30am and thought Hannah would like a movie to settle her in. I thought we'd watch a little and then she'd be out. Well, needless to say she watched the whole movie and we really didn't get to sleep until 3:30am. Surgery was at 6:45am. They came and got us up at 5:30am to get ready. Surgery went really well, and fast but she was in a lot of pain when she came to. The rest of the morning we watched tv and moved her toward discharging.

The wedding started at 1pm and I wanted to at least see a little. We arrived just when everyone was mingling around after the ceremony. Hannah was a trooper. She was really funny in the hospital - a bit demanding - but really she just did not want anyone touching her arm.

Now, what is it three (I can't keep track) days later she is still in a bit of pain but back to regular activities. She broke the upper arm, just above her elbow so her cast is from her wrist to half way to her shoulder.

We drove in to Estes Park Colorado tonight and were in awe. It is so beautiful here and I love the smells. It brings me back to when I was a kid and we camped here. I am struggling a bit with the altitude but hopefully tomorrow it will be better.

Summer is here..

2008-06-08T22:17:00.002-05:00

Summer officially starts tomorrow and I am a bit nervous. While I love all three of them they are really crazy all together! We are off this week to Wisconsin and then we head west the following week. I love the travelling and time away from the day to day, ie laundry, dirty toilets and unloading the dishwasher. I always have these goals of books we are going to read in the car and then the pull of the dvd player is too strong to resist. I do have Madeline L'Engle's A Wrinkle in Time to read to everyone so I hope we'll get that one read by August. Well, laundry calls.

Oops I forgot to post on Hannah's b-day!

2008-06-06T23:26:00.002-05:00

Here is our newly graduated (from Kindergarted) and newly 6 year old! Hannah was such a momma's girl. She wouldn't let anyone else hold her but me. She also had another curious habit of putting her hands up my sleeves whenever I held her. She is certainly a tactile kid. She has grown into an exuberant, fun, creative kid who I am proud of.

Gearing up for another birthday

2008-05-31T15:23:00.002-05:00

In a way I am glad that these birthday's have come now because the house was getting pretty messy! Caleb's birthday was a bit crazy with so many kids here, but it was also fun to see him interact with all his friends. We invited all the girls in Hannah's class and a few other's for this week. She is so fickle with her likes and dislikes that this party has no real theme. I found some generic invites on clearance so we sent them out just in time. I need to plan both parties at the same time next year so Hannah's is ready to go right after Caleb's.

I was telling Abby that a party she went to recently was this boy's first party with friends and she couldn't imagine that. They have been conditioned that they get a party every year. Is that good or bad?

Four years ago today!

2008-05-19T16:48:00.004-05:00

This morning this is my conversation with Caleb:

Me: Caleb, do you know what today is? It is your Birthday! Happy Birthday Bud!

Caleb: Really? Are you kidding? Are you serious?

Me: Yep, it is today!

Caleb: Really, I am four now?

Me: Yep, you are really four!

Caleb: I am not three anymore?

Me: Nope, not three anymore

Caleb: I want to be three still...

Sound familar Kellie? He is my crazy, fun, funny, silly boy. When he was born it was so bittersweet. I have always sang the song (which refers to Scripture) that says "He gives and Takes away" He gave us Caleb four years ago! What a crazy kid. I will just list a few things he has either destroyed or broken or lost: cd cases, washcloths down the tub drain, toys down the toilet, the thermostat set to 80 yesterday, countless toys and books, papers, the girls' homework just to name a few.

He also says the craziest things...the other day he said that something "tickled my feelings", He just said to me (with a toy gun in my face) "Maybe I can be of assistance" I am not kidding!

Community garden

2008-05-13T21:24:00.002-05:00

One thing I have been thinking about a lot is a community garden that some folks at our church want to build. It is so exciting thinking about summer and flowers! I went to the farmer's market last week and oh, do I love that! The energy there is so amazing! All that discussion about growing things, sinking my hands in the dirt just makes me tingle with anticipation for seeing this garden finished. Our plan is to prepare it and get all the policies done so that next summer we can offer it as true community space. This is a whole new world, too! Raingardens, and rain barrels, were the topics of a seminar I went to this week. There are two more in the coming weeks on planning a garden and starting a community garden. Whew!

Sometimes when I think about where we live and what our winters are like I do wonder why...but then spring arrives and I know!! I love this place! Just having the long hard winters just make us Minnesotans all the more thankful for spring and summer. It makes us find contentment where we are!

Wiped out

2008-05-07T20:25:00.002-05:00

I think it was Monday that the pain set in. Now it is Wednesday and my head feels like it could explode at any point. I think it is just head cold but wow I have not felt this bad for a long time! I sat down with Caleb today and told him today about what was happening when he was born and it was fun to talk to him about my mom.

looking forward to summer

2008-04-28T21:26:00.002-05:00

I am longing for time to sleep in, time to read to the kids without looking at the clock, riding bikes, gardening, walking around the lake, basically all the fun summertime activities. Right now it is probably 30 degrees outside. Normally I don't complain about the weather - don't think I am a saint for not complaining, I complain about plenty, just not the weather - but this is getting crazy!

We had bike stolen last week so I got right on it - finding a new one for her. I went to a few thrift shops and even checked Target for new one's. I found one for $5.28 at Unique. Hopefully the tires will hold and it will last the summer.

Spring and summer also bring birthday's!! Caleb's is first, then we have one a month for four months! I have his all planned except we may have to buy the decorations online due to Bob the Builder not being popular anymore. Ok, now I am even boring myself so I'll sign off.

Tea and tears

2008-04-12T22:39:00.002-05:00

Boy that title sounds way too mushy, overdone, and extreme. But, nonetheless it was the highlight of my day today. I was invited to a four course tea at a friend's house along with other ladies that I know. They served us four, yes I said four, coursed of amazing food! We had such a good time being served by our hostess' kids, chatting and eating. Then the tears...one of the ladies shared a great story about a mom running the last leg of a race to encourage her daughter. The theme was perservering in trials. Most of the ladies were teary when she finished reading and then we all read verses about encouragement, and God's role in our life when we are struggling - talk about the tears then! I think was was the tenderest part was several of the ladies were and had been going through some really tough stuff.

I am reminded again of the significance of the title of my blog, broken yet grateful. The fact that God does the breaking! But He also does the healing. Wow, it makes hardships and struggle have new meaning. I am so emotional these days, even watching Flicka getting attacked by a lion made me weep! I guess it is the season of mom's death. Every year since her death I go back and think about what I was doing during that season when she was in the hospital. It was such a surreal time, pregnant with Caleb, waiting for my nephew to be born (April 15). I can still smell the smells of her room. But, even in the pain and loss that I feel daily there is a truth that I read awhile ago that echoes often: Jerry Sittser said in his book (highly reccommended) A Grace Disguised that loss enlarges the soul. Kind of a strange thought but I have found it is true. Before losing mom I was a bit sheltered. I lost three Grandparents but they were older and had lived full lives so it was kind of expected. Then mom. It changes so many things. I feel I am capable of so much more understanding, more empathy. It is actually hard to not get prideful. That must sound wacko! It is true though, I fight the urge to say "you don't know loss like I do" and that is wrong. We all feel it in some degree. But back to the soul. I also have to fight callousness when hearing about death. The feeling of well we all have to die sometime pops up occasionally. Apart from the struggles with jadedness and pride I feel like God has taken me down to the valley to teach me some huge things. Sorry for being so long winded. It was cathartic, though. If you have read this far, thanks.

To Seattle and Back

2008-04-07T22:06:00.002-05:00

Last Tuesday my dad, and two of three of my kiddos took off for a whirlwind trip to Seattle and back. We spent two days driving there - both 13 hour days - and two that turned into three days getting back. Overall the driving went ok. I was amazed how quick it seemed to go when we arrived in Seattle. Then we spent two days in downtown Seattle walking to Pike Place market, the Seattle center, seeing the Space Needle and best of all seeing my brother and his two kids. I am always amazed at despite our childhood spent fighting it is still good to see my brothers. His kids are sooooo amazing! I love seeing my brother in them! Incedently, I got to see my other niece last weeked. She is so full of energy and life! She called me Tash, I loved it! Without my mom around I feel an added burden (a delightful burden) to love on her grandkids for her.

Seattle is a great city. It was especially fun to be downtown so near all the hustle and bustle. We walked a bit and even had overpriced snobby Pizza! I think the hardest part was not having any time to myself. I realized that I had not read my Bible (a habit I am always trying to do -emphasis trying) in over a week. I had not even thought about it!! That is for another post...

The most exciting and very scary part was last night we were heading into Fargo far later than we planned and hit a patch of black ice and ended up in the ditch. Thankfully we were pulled out about an hour later. I admit that my dad and I wished we could put the window up that separates the front from the back like in Limos. The kids did amazinly well for what we had them do. BUT, after we were rescued from the ditch we crawled into Fargo over completely icy roads. We stayed the night and woke to slushy, snow-packed roads for over 50 miles. My arms and fingers are sore from gripping the steering wheel! Anyway, we finally made it back into town around 2 today. I was never so glad to see our house. The kids said it best: "Look, its our house!"

I was asking God what He was teaching me as I wiled away the hours driving and He said (in that still small voice) that He wants to lead one day at a time. I was longing to see where the road lead as I drove through the snowy mountains of Montana and He said that the light from the car was enough. I wish I had asked Him for more lessons. I did pray for the kids and Justin a bit - something I need to do more of. The only thing I regret is that we had no camera to capture our time with the cousins or time in the car. There were lots of picture worthy moment.

Well, I am glad we did it and I am glad we are home.

Frayed Nerves

2008-03-24T18:22:00.002-05:00

I have a serious case of "I've had it up to here!", "You're getting on my nerves", "Calgon, take me away!!" Are you feelin' me?? Once a month (hint, hint) these intense emotions emerge and I don't know what to do with them! It is mostly irritation with the kids' fighting, whining, arguing, sassy-ness, but there is also some anger, too. I won't get into that but needless to say I need to just exercise but what I want to do is hit something - hard. Ever been here?

This season, Easter, Mother's Day, Spring is always hard due to losing my mom at this time. Of course when emotions are intense I ALWAYS have the good old "I miss my mom so much it hurts" feelings. It will be four years on May 9th since she has been gone. More and more often days will go by and I realize I have not thought about her. Mostly, though I wish I could just chat with her. Ok, any more and I'll be getting the keyboard wet!

The picture is of her holding Hannah as a baby. She loved those girls!

A clarification

2008-03-20T20:02:00.002-05:00

The house you see to the right is not ours...nor will it ever be. It is located on a golf course on Mackinac Island in Northern Michigan. We were on a Bike ride around the island when we saw this. I made Justin stop so we could snap some pictures. In the event we come into a large sum of money and if God ever moves us from our 'hood then maybe we'll build one like this. I can only dream! I love the front porch! Anyway, we are still enjoying quinoa, waiting on the adoption, and struggling to keep the house clean. Those are some updates from previous posts. I am looking forward to our Good Friday Celebration tomorrow. I love that we have HOPE because of Jesus' death on the Cross. What a Saviour!

Quinoa!

2008-03-11T19:32:00.004-05:00

Quinoa is our new favorite food. It is little like rice and yet different, too. We love the taste and texture. I have made it with curry, and just chicken flavoring with pepper. I had bought it at the local co-op, but found it today at Rainbow in our bulk section.

Hopefully I'll be able to post this picture - I tried before and couldn't. Yeah Spring!

Joy in service

2008-03-05T22:20:00.003-06:00

This week we are hosting a group from a college in Tennesee. We, being our church, not my family! I have spent a bit of time getting the house they are staying in ready. But, it has been satisfying. We had dinner with them tonight and saw how grateful they were for the wood floor they were sleeping on. It reminds me of some trips I took in college. It really is exhausting and it really is rewarding!

I have also been finding more joy in my crazy three year old boy. I found myself laughing (to myself) today as he sang: "Poop, Poop, Poop, poopity etc." to a fun little tune. Some days I want to pull my hair out - I don't because it is already coming out by the handful!! While I physically restrained him so I could talk to the dentist about Hannah's teeth, the hygenist actually said: "I know what it's like, I have a boy with ADD." I still don't know quite what to think about that. I know that he'll grow out of the out of control stage and probably won't grow out of the crazy, active, boy stage. I guess there is a balance of pulling on the reins (reighns) while still driving the cart. I think that sounded better in my head...

Update on the Life Cycle of a plate

2008-02-25T13:29:00.003-06:00

Well, we've been at it almost a week now and I can see some slow changes. The dishes are a huge part of our messy kitchen and the girls have been helping so it is working! Yeah! The clothes, dirty and clean, on the other hand are still...well...er....ah....I am still working on last weeks' clean clothes. That one is going to take more time.

Here are our three and my brother's two a few months ago.

A new thing

2008-02-21T21:31:00.002-06:00

We are trying a new thing at home these days. I have been going crazy with the "systems" at our house. I am a MAJOR random abstract girl. I have never been good at finding a place for everything. My mom went crazy trying to get me to clean my room growing up. So it really should be no surprise that I have born and raised(not fully yet) at least one random abstract little person. My husband has endured my randomness for almost 10 years! So when he told me what he thought was the solution the other day I was a bit offended. Did I need a solution? Well, it appears so.

SO, he says that we don't "finish the loop". He says there is a life cycle for everything...we are still making a list. So it was pretty funny the other day when he walked the kids around the house talking to them about the life cycle of the plates, the toys, the clothes etc. The idea is that everything has a place and it needs to go back there. We introduced a payment system as well, thanks to some friends. We are paying per job and talking about where things live a lot. Sample question: "Caleb does the book live on the floor?" The girls are on board right now but we, and I mean ME need to stop being so random and actually follow a plan and maybe, just maybe we'll have some order around here.

Jane Austen and a Women's retreat

2008-02-10T20:15:00.000-06:00

I have been enjoying watching movies of Jane Austen's books lately on channel 2. I have tried in vain to read her books but when there is a movie it is too much temptation for me. I think Northanger Abbey is a new favorite of mine.

This weekend I had the chance to attend a women's retreat with the ladies at our church. It was a sweet time of laughing, praying, crying and sad to say, eating. I could have braved the cold with the other's for a morning walk but I declined.

We listened to a cd recording of Helen Roseveare from a Desiring God conference last fall. It was about finishing well and digging ditches for the Lord. If you are intrigued then check it out at desiringgod.org. We also had the priviledge of hearing from one of our own who has had a journey toward trusting God that many don't have. I am blessed to be in such good company of ladies who value a deep abiding love of God and who can laugh at themselves. One of the ladies lead us in a session of yoga and we laughed so hard as we "push our bums up" and try not to fall over doing some balancing exercises.

Another sick day

2008-01-31T21:55:00.000-06:00

Caleb has been sick again...so we spent yet another day on the couch like two lumps. I had been up (with my hubby) several times in the night so all day I felt like I needed a nap but couldn't quite relax for fear of another episode of puking. He is on the mend finally but it is hard explaining to a 3 year old why he can't have cereal or more crackers when he has just emptied his stomach.

I have felt kind of dry spiritually lately. I am all to willing to pour over a good novel or watch a Jane Austen movie but to pick up the Word has been a challenge. I began a great book and then haven't read much more. The book is Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow. She has a great introduction and first chapter. I wish I could report on chapter two, but alas, I haven't gotten that far. One of her many points in finding contentment is choosing what you want to focus on. She relates a time when she and her husband lived in Hong Kong and she told two stories about living there, one the positive and one the negative. It really spoke volumes to me about what I choose to focus on and just the simple fact that it is a CHOICE! I'll readily admit that my hormones make it difficult to choose but for the most part it is a conscious decision. Duh, Tasha! You'd think I would have gotten it by now, right? I hope to be able to report of further chapters in upcoming blogs.

Incedently, I have been watching PBS's Jane Austen movies and I LOVE THEM! I have to say that I can get pretty caught up in the costumes, the language and the "romance" of that time but they sure are fun!

Funny

2008-01-30T11:22:00.000-06:00

Here are just two of the hundreds, yes I said hundreds, of pictures that Abby has taken with her new camera she got for Christmas. It is a digital kids camera with a very low Pixel rate but able to withstand little brothers. She took at least 200 her first day and then another 400 the next. We deleted lots and still couldn't say no to so many. You'll notice that the picture on the left is kind of artistic...do we have an Ansel Adams in the family. She really is a creative little soul!
Then for all you VeggieTales fans, the next one is of the TV as they watched The Toy That Saved Christmas. When I scroll through all the pics she has taken it is amazing to see life through the eyes of a 7 year old. She captured a great collection of those of us who gathered for Christmas dinner. It is almost like looking at a video camera that sat on the table. Anyway, thought I'd share.

Substitute Teaching

2008-01-23T14:05:00.000-06:00

Lately I have had the priviledge of subbing at my daughters' school. I have now been in every classroom from 5th grade to Kindergarten. It has been a blast being back with kids again. I still teach art at a coop for homeschool kids but have now added one day a week as a substitute. I now know all the kids from K-5th! I love seeing them in the hallway and them recognizing me. My husband and I were joking about me going down the hall like a superstar, waving to the kids, pointing, high-fiving them etc.

For the most part every class has been a joy. There were a couple of times in the lower grades when I had heard "my teacher doesn't do it that way" for the LAST time. At one point in the kindergarten one student corrected me one too many times and I found myself in essence saying - when proven right - na-na-naboo-boo! My tone said it and I realized in the next moment that I had let a 6 year old get to me! After a quick count to 10 I seemed to get my act together.

It makes me miss being a full-time teacher, but then I come home and crash and quickly remember why I don't teach full-time...because I couldn't do it all! I can barely manage to get the laundry done and put away every week when I get to be home 4 days a week. I have a lot of respect for moms who work and still run a house. When it is all said and done I love where I am right now. I know that adding a new child will throw us into another vortex of chaos but life is meant to be LIVED right? In the end who cares if there are dust bunnies behind my bedroom door?? My girls won't always be excited to see me at their school so I am soaking it in now. Besides, next year I'll probably be chasing a two year old!

APTOS!

2008-01-11T15:46:00.000-06:00

You may be wondering what in the world is Aptos? Well, according to the Peruvian authorities - we are Aptos! Ok, some English, we finally received word today that we are approved, or "fit" for adoption! This is really BIG news because we have been waiting for over a year for this decision! The next step is for them to assign us a child or children! Then we have 30 days to get to Peru. Happy Day!

Knocked out

2008-01-11T14:03:00.000-06:00

We had a wierd week. I still feel like I have my days mixed up. It happened like this...on Sunday night Caleb began throwing up around midnight. He did this on the hour for the next two. He woke up fine and actually not remembering what had happened. His dad and I remembered all too well as we staggered around Monday morning. All was well until Tuesday evening. Hannah, our middle kiddo, began complaining of a sore stomach...and on it went. As I was helping her Caleb called for me from our room. I told him I couldn't help him now. Finally I checked on him and his face had streaks of blood on it, his hands, both hands mind you, were bright red with blood! I discovered that he had fallen and hit his head on the corner of my dresser and really only had a small cut but had proceded to wipe the blood all over his face and hands. I got him cleaned up and put to sleep with a bandaid in his hair so he wouldn't keep touching the blood. He is almost 4! I would expect this from a 2 year old but then again he is a boy...

Back to Hannah. She went down, then me, then Justin and right in the middle of it all Abby came down the stairs and said "I threw up a little upstairs", gesturing with her fingers for about an inch. Well, it was more that an inch...so here I am in between bathroom trips, in my underwear no less, cleaning up a big pile of ...

Well, by the next morning it looked like a war zone (I say that lightly) with towels, buckets, blankets strewn everywhere!! We layed around all day Wednesday which was ok. By the end of the day the house smelled a bit. In one way it was good that we all got sick at once and got it over with but it was a bit funny (I can laugh now) at the time as we passed eachother in the hall at 1 am and 2 am and 3 am etc. etc.

The moral of this long, drawn-out, not-too-interesting story...I am still trying to find one. Any suggestions?

Christmas was nice

2007-12-25T20:43:00.000-06:00

I have to admit I have not had much Christmas spirit this year. Some difficult family issues and just plain old missing my mom have made me kind of depressed. My mom always made holiday's, birthday's, well every special day, very special. She had a way of doing small things, buying lots of gifts that made those days extra special. Now, it is my turn to do that for my kids. I had a wake-up call last night that set me on a better course for enjoying the day. I was feeling sorry for myself and doing the old poor me, I am so lonely bit when I realized that I was given a huge gift in my husband and three kids! I determined then to focus on what I had and not what I did not have.

We had a relaxing morning, playing with new toys, reading, basically being in our pj's until 10 or so. Then I began cooking. The meal went really well! I have struggled in the past to time everything so that when we sit down it is all hot and cooked. I also like to try new things and if they don't work out we are all out of luck. This year I opened a lot of cans and it all tasted great. Whew! We had a good couple of hours to play games and enjoy eachother.

Hope you had a Christmas filled with JOY! Jesus Lord at thy birth!

Forgiveness

2007-12-09T22:02:00.000-06:00

What does it mean to be forgiven? The idea is complicated. It involves at least two individuals. It assumes there is a relationship. When an offence happens there is need for forgiveness. What happens if the offender does not ask for forgiveness? That is when it gets complicated. I am speaking from the offended point of view. I feel like I have this offence, this hurt, almost like a box sitting on my lap I did not ask for. What now? Most days I don't want to deal with it so I set it on a shelf and walk away. When I think about it, which happens many times a day, I am faced with the decision again...what to do with it.

I want to live a life God is honored by. A life that speaks of Him and His forgiveness. We read passages today in sunday school that spoke of the need to forgive one another. The conclusion was that we have been forgiven much so we must forgive others. Whoa. That is hard. Rubber meets the road folks.

Trying to make good choices

2007-11-25T17:40:00.000-06:00

Well, I did it! I joined the YWCA. Hopefully this winter will be the winter of change - weight loss, new child, more discipline with housework, more commitment to praying and reading the word.

Did I mention a new child??! We are moving forward in the adoption process! It appears the country we are working through is actually looking at our file. So, hopefully with in 6 months we'll have another kiddo!

I'll keep you posted!

Busy, Busy, Busy

2007-11-07T21:19:00.000-06:00

So much to do! So little time. Wow! What an apt saying for this season for me. Run the kids to school, to the store, back to get a kid or two from school, home for a while, no time to really clean anything, back to school. Do I really want to fold clothes let alone wash them? Our dog Sydney chewed up the top of a pumpkin on our rug - three days ago - it is still there! Vacuum? I am not sure where it even is!

So, with all there is to do what am I doing?? Writing to you! I hope you all feel honored! I guess I could at least fold a few....nahh, they'll be there tomorrow.

So much to think about

2007-10-28T20:16:00.000-05:00

It has been a while since my last post because I have been doing a lot of thinking, praying, and reading.

Thinking about brokenness, sin, loss, pain and how it affects us all. None are exempt.

Praying for some dear people close to me who are walking through a deep valley. Praying for wisdom, peace, unity and that they would see God in this valley of theirs.

And I wish I could say that I have been reading the Bible only. I have been reading it some and some other books, too. It is amazing how I can get lost in a novel. Forgetting how hard life is. From the Bible, I have been reading about the life of the church (from our sunday school class), and from the life of Job. Some not-so-small topics. On the topic of Job...I have read most of the book (I have to admit I skipped some of the middle) and there are some amazing life lessions from our friend Job. His was not an easy life. Now, I am no Bible scholar but I do have some observations from Job's life. I am especially interested in God's interaction with Job. I find it interesting that God allowed satan to test him in the first place but beyond that God allowed some pretty major pain in Job's life! It makes me thing about God's hand in our lives. In Job's case God allowed the losses, and in other stories from the Bible God causes bad things to happen. So, God allows, and God causes...do I believe that for every part of life? YES! I do believe that God certainly KNOWS. He knows my circumstances, my impatience, my grieving over broken relationships, He Knows and He cares. Oh, that sounds so trite! Trite but true.

I love what he says at the end of the book. Keep in mind that this is before God restores the things that Job lost, Job says (paraphrase) my ears had heard of you, now my eyes see you. Wow. I have a word picture in my head of Job (or me, or you) seeing life, his kids, his wife, his cows and land and knowing that God was there and loved him. NOW, after he has lost all those things HE SEES GOD! I think there is something there for us! Do we see God in our kid's disobedience? in our inability to stay calm when the kids are driving me crazy(those are my examples) , do we see his desire for us to be like him, do we see his hand in our circumstances? The good and the bad or do we just hear about him as though he is "over there".

Ok, nothing profound people, just me thinking through my theology (I say that loosely) of pain and loss.

He's a big boy now

2007-10-15T17:02:00.000-05:00

Lest all of you avid readers (all two of you! - that's you Katie and Kellie!) think Caleb will go to Kindergarten wearing pull-ups...I thought I'd update you! He is really amazing. Little did we know that it would take all of a week to get him to this point. He goes on the potty pretty much all the time now. He still has a wet pull-up in the am and after naps but wow! I am amazed at his speed at getting this. Justin reminded me that we probably could have done the "say good by to diapers" a year ago and gotten similar results. His point was it was just a matter of biting the bullet and enduring a few days of accidents and he's get it. I'll log that one away for the next one. My favorite part of all of this is the scream from the bathroom after he poops, it goes like this:
"MOOOOMMM, I went poo-pooo on the toilet!!!" I like that I don't have to cheer like a junior higher anymore. He generally accepts my "way to go, Buddy!". Ok, I would love to put Potty Training as a topic of my blog on the shelf and move on to bigger and more important topics. Give me a day or two and I'll think of some...:)

What do you do with a messy room?

2007-10-11T20:00:00.000-05:00

I am sure that my Mom is looking down and laughing at me. I had one of the messiest rooms as a kid. My brother - total neat freak - he'd spend hours organizing. Me, I would try, I would really try but in the end I could never quite get it all done. Now my girls, my girls are well, messy. The worst part is THERE ARE TWO OF THEM! The positions have switched. I am the frustrated mom, the girls are just that - girls, still learning, little, impressionable. I have officially become MY mom. I have begun ranting like she did. I am sure it really helps the situation! In fact I just told them that I was going to get a box and put all their stuff in in. I don't want to do that!!! Like I want more to do! So, ladies, what do I do? Put up with it? Discipline them for it? Take away their stuff? Unfortunately, I think the answer requires LOTS of work. I think I need to teach them how to be neat. I am not neat! How do I teach them something that I have not learned? I guess we'll learn together. Yipee.

Dieting Schmieting

2007-10-08T20:17:00.000-05:00

Ok, The minute I say the word - DIET - I swear visions of puppy dog tails (these amazing brown sugar rolls at a local coffee shop), chocolate brownie sundae's, and fettuchini alfredo pop into my head. I would love to lose weight - who wouldn't right? But seriously, I know as the years go by it will get harder and harder so I have to start now. Now, where to start? I think if I could grocery shop for healthy food and never go out it may work but alas I must venture out into the world of pumkin spice latte's and DQ blizzards at least once EVERY DAY! Yes, many times it is two or three times a day I drive by my favorite haunts and muster up the will-power to not stop. Justin says that you have to fight desire with desire. Ok, I do desire to not look the way I look. I do desire to not be paralyzed by urges for carbs. The hardest part is the self-discipline it requires day after day. I know that it would take me a year at least to reach my ultimate goals. Does denying myself from foods I not only love but crave, for a year or more sound like something nice to you!? Any advice or word of encouragement welcome.

Ok, I admit it, I am a whimp

2007-10-04T18:18:00.001-05:00

Does this look like the face of a dog who would cause trouble? Well, she (our 6 year old shepherd Sydney) found the mail lady in our yard this week so she greeted her! Ok, she barked and scared her soooooo, we have had a representative from our local post office and from Animal Control at our house this week. I feel like one of our kids was sent to the principal's office. We have some fines and we'll hear in a week or so if she is a "dangerous" dog. Ah, well.

DISCLAIMER : If you are at all squeemish about the toilet or what should go in it - do not read the following!

I have been potty training in earnest for all of two days and I want to throw in the towel already. I think he has gone in his pants 75% of the time!! He has had seasons where he has pooped on the toilet for days at a time but today he did it in his pants - twice! Make no mistake - I know that this is nothing! There are moms (and dad's) out there who have potty trained far more kids than I have - even two or three at a time! So, don't feel sorry for me...just pray for my patience with him and that I'd stick with it. I write this in hopes that I can look back weeks (sad to say it will probably be months) from now and be thankful that he is done with this training. I wish you were here Mom to tell me that training one is easy!

Nothing else new and/or exciting to report.

Caleb's first day of school

2007-10-01T14:28:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I went on a great bike ride with a friend and we discussed living life victoriously rather than just enduring. I asked her to pray that I would receive the situations and circumstances in life as good. That I would welcome them as a means for God to teach me about Himself. Soooo, when I woke up this morning to a puking (excuse my bluntness) little boy I really wondered what God was thinking! But, all that to say that while he was resting and sick I was so productive and loved the silence in the house! God used Caleb's flu to give me a bit of rest.

Aren't Friends Great?!

2007-09-29T18:37:00.000-05:00

What a day! I have been tested recently. God has been pressing on me who will I turn to when I am struggling. I have not been faithful, yet He is! He sends good friends to call and/or to visit in order to encourage and lift up. Thank you Lord! Thank you friends!!

My friend Lori from Texas was here today. How fun to see her. To chat about our families. Our college years were almost 10 years ago yet it seems like yesterday we were having dinner outside Naz - 5:00 - don't be late! I hope we can all get together next year! Thinking back to those years makes me think about another great Sarah Groves song - "What I thought I wanted". We had so many dreams back then. I wonder if we now have what we wanted then. I know that to some point I do, and some things I never expected. I hope even if there are unexpected things we still trust in a loving God. Boy, that sounds trite. I don't mean to. There certainly have been times when I haven't wanted what God brought but not too many times that I have doubted His presence or care. I hope it the same with you.

Taking time to laugh

2007-09-27T20:14:00.000-05:00

As I sit here trying to write something profound I am struck by how much I miss by looking for something great, or something better. There has to be something over there that will satisfy...Ahhh! What about what is right before my eyes? I have all that I need and more! I have a great family, a great house - lots of mess - but a great house none the less. Why do we struggle so much with contentment? Any thoughts???

I rarely just make jokes with my kids. I have begun to do that recently and it feels good. Do you know what makes me really laugh? Sad to say it is when any of my kids trips and falls. I always rush to see if they are hurt and then usually lose it laughing. My Hannah is the most prone to do this. Sometimes she turns and just...trips. I am happier just writing this.

A reprieve

2007-09-23T21:38:00.000-05:00

Saturday was another struggle to keep my joy intact with the kids. After a great time at a park with friends we spent lots of time cleaning. Never one of my favorite jobs I tackled it with gusto because, well, what else was there to do? Not to mention it was a mess! I was so surprised to find my husband home early and we had a restful time together.

I am always amazed how God takes care of me. He sends friends at just the right moments, through phone calls and play dates. He allows for nap times and times of laughing with my kids to remind me of his goodness and mercy. I don't deserve his love, yet I am overwhelmed when I think about all he forgives me for. Thank you Lord!

2007-09-19T18:56:00.000-05:00

This is his "I know I am cute" look.

Exhausted

2007-09-19T18:43:00.000-05:00

I have been on my own a lot lately which always leads to trouble. My amazing husband has been teaching a lot so its been me and the kids quite a bit. I know it is temporary and I know there are a lot of women who do the alone thing all the time but that knowledge does not help walking each day, moment by moment trying not to lose my mind. Our rambunctious (I am trying to be positive) three year old has been out of control today. He has so much energy!! No nap, climbing on everything, hungry all day. AHHHHH! I am trying to look into alternative methods of discipline. That sounds so ominous! I just mean trying natural consequences for his crazy behavior.

I spent some wonderful peaceful moments at the library looking at a magazine. That and a well timed phone call from a friend were the highlights of the day. I read in Romans this morning. I am glad that I am beginning to have a little routine of reading the Word and having my coffee in the same chair every day. Now I need to apply what I am reading to the rest of the day!

Travel

2007-09-16T20:49:00.000-05:00

We drove to Baraboo this weekend so my husband could to a triathalon. Yep, a triathalon. He and a couple of his college friends competed together. It was thrilling being near the finish line seeing all of the folks struggle yet be so glad that the finish line was near. I would love to do something like that but unfortunately when I have the option of the grande latte or a walk outside I usually choose the latte. So many of my choices are made from my emotions. Sometimes I wish I had the mind of a man. (you know for the logical, non-emotional eating etc.)

Time in the car and more

2007-09-13T17:14:00.000-05:00

For all the time I was in the car today I could have gone to Duluth! Thankfully, this is the only day of the week where I do three trips to the kids' school. I should be learning scripture or praying with all that time in the car but I find that I just listen to the radio and try to referee from the front seat.

My three year old son went to his first day of preschool today. I have been so stressed by schedule issues and jury duty (!) that I don't think it registered that he is growing up until now. He had a great time and I think it will be fantastic for him to interact with others and learn to wait in line. That is what I told his teacher's to work on with him. He seriously moans and squaks when he has to wait for anything. Sorry, he's the third child so we didn't remember the camera until we were already there. Hopefully tomorrow for his first official day with out mom and dad.

I wanted to explain a little more why I chose the title I did. Sarah Groves sings about life's disappointments, changes and how we can embrace them and let those circumstances become part of our new story or we can deny them and not grow. Ok, I am also infusing a little Jerry Sitser, too. (A Grace Disguised) In my mind being broken involves (in part) admitting that life has not turned out like you hoped or planned. When we had kids I never imagined doing it without my mom. The hole she left is huge some days and not so big others. Yesterday it was enormous. Having said that, I am grateful too. While life is not going as planned I am a stronger more whole person having lost my mom while being a mom. Ok, enough for now.

More thanks

2007-09-12T20:47:00.000-05:00

I forgot to mention that the title comes from a Sarah Groves song. She is an amazing singer, writer and poet. Check her out!

Thanks

2007-09-12T20:40:00.000-05:00

As I begin to navigate this strange world of blogging some thanks are needed. I have read, and probably without meaning to, taken some elements from a certain old friend, and a new one. Thanks to you ladies.

Also, it needs to be said that I am not a great writer, so bear with me.