Christmas was nice

I have to admit I have not had much Christmas spirit this year. Some difficult family issues and just plain old missing my mom have made me kind of depressed. My mom always made holiday's, birthday's, well every special day, very special. She had a way of doing small things, buying lots of gifts that made those days extra special. Now, it is my turn to do that for my kids. I had a wake-up call last night that set me on a better course for enjoying the day. I was feeling sorry for myself and doing the old poor me, I am so lonely bit when I realized that I was given a huge gift in my husband and three kids! I determined then to focus on what I had and not what I did not have.

We had a relaxing morning, playing with new toys, reading, basically being in our pj's until 10 or so. Then I began cooking. The meal went really well! I have struggled in the past to time everything so that when we sit down it is all hot and cooked. I also like to try new things and if they don't work out we are all out of luck. This year I opened a lot of cans and it all tasted great. Whew! We had a good couple of hours to play games and enjoy eachother.

Hope you had a Christmas filled with JOY! Jesus Lord at thy birth!

Forgiveness

What does it mean to be forgiven? The idea is complicated. It involves at least two individuals. It assumes there is a relationship. When an offence happens there is need for forgiveness. What happens if the offender does not ask for forgiveness? That is when it gets complicated. I am speaking from the offended point of view. I feel like I have this offence, this hurt, almost like a box sitting on my lap I did not ask for. What now? Most days I don't want to deal with it so I set it on a shelf and walk away. When I think about it, which happens many times a day, I am faced with the decision again...what to do with it.

I want to live a life God is honored by. A life that speaks of Him and His forgiveness. We read passages today in sunday school that spoke of the need to forgive one another. The conclusion was that we have been forgiven much so we must forgive others. Whoa. That is hard. Rubber meets the road folks.

Trying to make good choices

Well, I did it! I joined the YWCA. Hopefully this winter will be the winter of change - weight loss, new child, more discipline with housework, more commitment to praying and reading the word.

Did I mention a new child??! We are moving forward in the adoption process! It appears the country we are working through is actually looking at our file. So, hopefully with in 6 months we'll have another kiddo!

I'll keep you posted!

Busy, Busy, Busy

So much to do! So little time. Wow! What an apt saying for this season for me. Run the kids to school, to the store, back to get a kid or two from school, home for a while, no time to really clean anything, back to school. Do I really want to fold clothes let alone wash them? Our dog Sydney chewed up the top of a pumpkin on our rug - three days ago - it is still there! Vacuum? I am not sure where it even is!

So, with all there is to do what am I doing?? Writing to you! I hope you all feel honored! I guess I could at least fold a few....nahh, they'll be there tomorrow.

So much to think about

It has been a while since my last post because I have been doing a lot of thinking, praying, and reading.

Thinking about brokenness, sin, loss, pain and how it affects us all. None are exempt.

Praying for some dear people close to me who are walking through a deep valley. Praying for wisdom, peace, unity and that they would see God in this valley of theirs.

And I wish I could say that I have been reading the Bible only. I have been reading it some and some other books, too. It is amazing how I can get lost in a novel. Forgetting how hard life is. From the Bible, I have been reading about the life of the church (from our sunday school class), and from the life of Job. Some not-so-small topics. On the topic of Job...I have read most of the book (I have to admit I skipped some of the middle) and there are some amazing life lessions from our friend Job. His was not an easy life. Now, I am no Bible scholar but I do have some observations from Job's life. I am especially interested in God's interaction with Job. I find it interesting that God allowed satan to test him in the first place but beyond that God allowed some pretty major pain in Job's life! It makes me thing about God's hand in our lives. In Job's case God allowed the losses, and in other stories from the Bible God causes bad things to happen. So, God allows, and God causes...do I believe that for every part of life? YES! I do believe that God certainly KNOWS. He knows my circumstances, my impatience, my grieving over broken relationships, He Knows and He cares. Oh, that sounds so trite! Trite but true.

I love what he says at the end of the book. Keep in mind that this is before God restores the things that Job lost, Job says (paraphrase) my ears had heard of you, now my eyes see you. Wow. I have a word picture in my head of Job (or me, or you) seeing life, his kids, his wife, his cows and land and knowing that God was there and loved him. NOW, after he has lost all those things HE SEES GOD! I think there is something there for us! Do we see God in our kid's disobedience? in our inability to stay calm when the kids are driving me crazy(those are my examples) , do we see his desire for us to be like him, do we see his hand in our circumstances? The good and the bad or do we just hear about him as though he is "over there".

Ok, nothing profound people, just me thinking through my theology (I say that loosely) of pain and loss.

He's a big boy now

Lest all of you avid readers (all two of you! - that's you Katie and Kellie!) think Caleb will go to Kindergarten wearing pull-ups...I thought I'd update you! He is really amazing. Little did we know that it would take all of a week to get him to this point. He goes on the potty pretty much all the time now. He still has a wet pull-up in the am and after naps but wow! I am amazed at his speed at getting this. Justin reminded me that we probably could have done the "say good by to diapers" a year ago and gotten similar results. His point was it was just a matter of biting the bullet and enduring a few days of accidents and he's get it. I'll log that one away for the next one. My favorite part of all of this is the scream from the bathroom after he poops, it goes like this:
"MOOOOMMM, I went poo-pooo on the toilet!!!" I like that I don't have to cheer like a junior higher anymore. He generally accepts my "way to go, Buddy!". Ok, I would love to put Potty Training as a topic of my blog on the shelf and move on to bigger and more important topics. Give me a day or two and I'll think of some...:)

What do you do with a messy room?

I am sure that my Mom is looking down and laughing at me. I had one of the messiest rooms as a kid. My brother - total neat freak - he'd spend hours organizing. Me, I would try, I would really try but in the end I could never quite get it all done. Now my girls, my girls are well, messy. The worst part is THERE ARE TWO OF THEM! The positions have switched. I am the frustrated mom, the girls are just that - girls, still learning, little, impressionable. I have officially become MY mom. I have begun ranting like she did. I am sure it really helps the situation! In fact I just told them that I was going to get a box and put all their stuff in in. I don't want to do that!!! Like I want more to do! So, ladies, what do I do? Put up with it? Discipline them for it? Take away their stuff? Unfortunately, I think the answer requires LOTS of work. I think I need to teach them how to be neat. I am not neat! How do I teach them something that I have not learned? I guess we'll learn together. Yipee.

Dieting Schmieting

Ok, The minute I say the word - DIET - I swear visions of puppy dog tails (these amazing brown sugar rolls at a local coffee shop), chocolate brownie sundae's, and fettuchini alfredo pop into my head. I would love to lose weight - who wouldn't right? But seriously, I know as the years go by it will get harder and harder so I have to start now. Now, where to start? I think if I could grocery shop for healthy food and never go out it may work but alas I must venture out into the world of pumkin spice latte's and DQ blizzards at least once EVERY DAY! Yes, many times it is two or three times a day I drive by my favorite haunts and muster up the will-power to not stop. Justin says that you have to fight desire with desire. Ok, I do desire to not look the way I look. I do desire to not be paralyzed by urges for carbs. The hardest part is the self-discipline it requires day after day. I know that it would take me a year at least to reach my ultimate goals. Does denying myself from foods I not only love but crave, for a year or more sound like something nice to you!? Any advice or word of encouragement welcome.

Ok, I admit it, I am a whimp

Does this look like the face of a dog who would cause trouble? Well, she (our 6 year old shepherd Sydney) found the mail lady in our yard this week so she greeted her! Ok, she barked and scared her soooooo, we have had a representative from our local post office and from Animal Control at our house this week. I feel like one of our kids was sent to the principal's office. We have some fines and we'll hear in a week or so if she is a "dangerous" dog. Ah, well.

DISCLAIMER : If you are at all squeemish about the toilet or what should go in it - do not read the following!

I have been potty training in earnest for all of two days and I want to throw in the towel already. I think he has gone in his pants 75% of the time!! He has had seasons where he has pooped on the toilet for days at a time but today he did it in his pants - twice! Make no mistake - I know that this is nothing! There are moms (and dad's) out there who have potty trained far more kids than I have - even two or three at a time! So, don't feel sorry for me...just pray for my patience with him and that I'd stick with it. I write this in hopes that I can look back weeks (sad to say it will probably be months) from now and be thankful that he is done with this training. I wish you were here Mom to tell me that training one is easy!

Nothing else new and/or exciting to report.

Caleb's first day of school

Yesterday I went on a great bike ride with a friend and we discussed living life victoriously rather than just enduring. I asked her to pray that I would receive the situations and circumstances in life as good. That I would welcome them as a means for God to teach me about Himself. Soooo, when I woke up this morning to a puking (excuse my bluntness) little boy I really wondered what God was thinking! But, all that to say that while he was resting and sick I was so productive and loved the silence in the house! God used Caleb's flu to give me a bit of rest.

Aren't Friends Great?!

What a day! I have been tested recently. God has been pressing on me who will I turn to when I am struggling. I have not been faithful, yet He is! He sends good friends to call and/or to visit in order to encourage and lift up. Thank you Lord! Thank you friends!!

My friend Lori from Texas was here today. How fun to see her. To chat about our families. Our college years were almost 10 years ago yet it seems like yesterday we were having dinner outside Naz - 5:00 - don't be late! I hope we can all get together next year! Thinking back to those years makes me think about another great Sarah Groves song - "What I thought I wanted". We had so many dreams back then. I wonder if we now have what we wanted then. I know that to some point I do, and some things I never expected. I hope even if there are unexpected things we still trust in a loving God. Boy, that sounds trite. I don't mean to. There certainly have been times when I haven't wanted what God brought but not too many times that I have doubted His presence or care. I hope it the same with you.

Taking time to laugh

As I sit here trying to write something profound I am struck by how much I miss by looking for something great, or something better. There has to be something over there that will satisfy...Ahhh! What about what is right before my eyes? I have all that I need and more! I have a great family, a great house - lots of mess - but a great house none the less. Why do we struggle so much with contentment? Any thoughts???

I rarely just make jokes with my kids. I have begun to do that recently and it feels good. Do you know what makes me really laugh? Sad to say it is when any of my kids trips and falls. I always rush to see if they are hurt and then usually lose it laughing. My Hannah is the most prone to do this. Sometimes she turns and just...trips. I am happier just writing this.

A reprieve

Saturday was another struggle to keep my joy intact with the kids. After a great time at a park with friends we spent lots of time cleaning. Never one of my favorite jobs I tackled it with gusto because, well, what else was there to do? Not to mention it was a mess! I was so surprised to find my husband home early and we had a restful time together.

I am always amazed how God takes care of me. He sends friends at just the right moments, through phone calls and play dates. He allows for nap times and times of laughing with my kids to remind me of his goodness and mercy. I don't deserve his love, yet I am overwhelmed when I think about all he forgives me for. Thank you Lord!

This is his "I know I am cute" look.

Exhausted

I have been on my own a lot lately which always leads to trouble. My amazing husband has been teaching a lot so its been me and the kids quite a bit. I know it is temporary and I know there are a lot of women who do the alone thing all the time but that knowledge does not help walking each day, moment by moment trying not to lose my mind. Our rambunctious (I am trying to be positive) three year old has been out of control today. He has so much energy!! No nap, climbing on everything, hungry all day. AHHHHH! I am trying to look into alternative methods of discipline. That sounds so ominous! I just mean trying natural consequences for his crazy behavior.

I spent some wonderful peaceful moments at the library looking at a magazine. That and a well timed phone call from a friend were the highlights of the day. I read in Romans this morning. I am glad that I am beginning to have a little routine of reading the Word and having my coffee in the same chair every day. Now I need to apply what I am reading to the rest of the day!

Travel

We drove to Baraboo this weekend so my husband could to a triathalon. Yep, a triathalon. He and a couple of his college friends competed together. It was thrilling being near the finish line seeing all of the folks struggle yet be so glad that the finish line was near. I would love to do something like that but unfortunately when I have the option of the grande latte or a walk outside I usually choose the latte. So many of my choices are made from my emotions. Sometimes I wish I had the mind of a man. (you know for the logical, non-emotional eating etc.)

Time in the car and more

For all the time I was in the car today I could have gone to Duluth! Thankfully, this is the only day of the week where I do three trips to the kids' school. I should be learning scripture or praying with all that time in the car but I find that I just listen to the radio and try to referee from the front seat.

My three year old son went to his first day of preschool today. I have been so stressed by schedule issues and jury duty (!) that I don't think it registered that he is growing up until now. He had a great time and I think it will be fantastic for him to interact with others and learn to wait in line. That is what I told his teacher's to work on with him. He seriously moans and squaks when he has to wait for anything. Sorry, he's the third child so we didn't remember the camera until we were already there. Hopefully tomorrow for his first official day with out mom and dad.

I wanted to explain a little more why I chose the title I did. Sarah Groves sings about life's disappointments, changes and how we can embrace them and let those circumstances become part of our new story or we can deny them and not grow. Ok, I am also infusing a little Jerry Sitser, too. (A Grace Disguised) In my mind being broken involves (in part) admitting that life has not turned out like you hoped or planned. When we had kids I never imagined doing it without my mom. The hole she left is huge some days and not so big others. Yesterday it was enormous. Having said that, I am grateful too. While life is not going as planned I am a stronger more whole person having lost my mom while being a mom. Ok, enough for now.

More thanks

I forgot to mention that the title comes from a Sarah Groves song. She is an amazing singer, writer and poet. Check her out!

Thanks

As I begin to navigate this strange world of blogging some thanks are needed. I have read, and probably without meaning to, taken some elements from a certain old friend, and a new one. Thanks to you ladies.

Also, it needs to be said that I am not a great writer, so bear with me.